WOULDN’T
IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR
REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? My Fellow Americans: As you all
know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been
completed. Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this
war, our mission in Iraq is
complete.
This
morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before
me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood
by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed
there.
The
other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world’s
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this
evening.
Let me
start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on
List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first
year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
THEN
EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT WILL GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO
BROKE IN 20 YEARS.
The
American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes
and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need
help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France
!
In
the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward
solving the vexing social problems we still have at home .. On that note, a
word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and
eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth!
Thirsting
for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China !
I am
ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help,
comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mez amies.
I have instructed the
Mayor of New York City to begin
towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to
sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care
about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of
unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes,
Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.
I love New
York
!
A special note to our
neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be
seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off
for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2 its
president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude
adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess
where I am going to put ‘em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by
the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty
- starting now.
We
are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska – which will take care of this country’s oil
needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this
decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.
It
is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, ‘darn
tootin.’
Nearly
a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only
earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time
to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought.
Thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a
final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America . Thank you and good night.
But I am strong.
