Christmas was very magical
this year. We all slept in! That has to be a Christmas first. Started off the
day with Sammi and CJ. We cooked a nice breakfast and watched movies until
their dad picked them up in the middle of the afternoon.

Then it was just J and I.
We decided to go to the Country Club Plaza and walk around after dark so I got in the shower
and cleaned up. I wanted a truly magical night. I was also excited for him to
open his presents and was curious as to what I might get. Told myself he
probably did not get me anything because his finances are so tight, but the
little girl in my hoped and wondered. My presents were still under the tree
waiting for his hands…

After we got cleaned up I
asked him if he would like to open them. He told me “Not right now – lets save
that for when we get home.”

We left for the plaza and
we walked around under the beautiful lights. I took lots of pictures that
turned out pretty good. There is nothing like a walk through the plaza on a
cold, snowy, Christmas night. Many others agreed as there were several families
renting the services of the horse drawn carriages. I wished for that too. When
we became so cold our noses were bright red and our toes were froze we stopped
at the Irish tavern, O’Douds, and had a couple of Irish Coffees. They were so
yummy, creamy and warming.

J and I talked and
connected and enjoyed little touches and kisses. It was very romantic. After we
warmed up we braved the cold again and did some more window shopping. When we
were once again driving we decided to look at Christmas lights in some of the
more prominent parts of town. That was such a blast!

He asked if I would like to
go to a bar and play some pool. I shrugged “Why not?” So we went to a place not
far from our house and played a few games of pool and electronic bowling. Had a
few drinks and laughed at each other. Surprising fun on Christmas. When it got
to smoky we headed home.

Again I asked if he wanted
to open his presents. Again he told me not yet. It was after 10pm by this time and I told him that he had to open them
while it was still Christmas. He finally said ok and I began to realize he was
anxious. Figured that meant he had not bought me anything. I only wanted one
thing from him and it is not something that could be wrapped. So I prayed.
Again.

He opened the first gift. 2
new pairs of insulated jeans. He made me put a pair on with no panties. Kinky
shit! Of course I did it. They felt awesome. I need to get a pair! Then he
opened the next gift. When he saw it was a leather bound book he took it out of
the box and ran his hands over the cover. I became nervous. He opened it and
the first page was covered by a protective sheet that was transparent and he
could see a picture of the two of us through it. I saw him grin as he realized
what it was he was holding.

Under that picture was a
poem he had written me. On each consecutive page was either a poem by me or him
with lots of pictures from the last 2 years. As he slowly read each page I
could sometimes see tears in his eyes. As he finished the last page he closed
the book and cradled it, looked at me and said “You always seem to be able to
send me into a spin I can not recover easily from. This was the best present
ever.”

He then told me “I want to
make love to you.” He so rarely says it that way. He knew I needed to hear it –
that and more. As our bodies entangled and the moments grew more and more
intense I could feel myself totally tangling with him. He turned my head to the
side and placed his lips on my ears and he whispered. “Say it,” I begged. I
needed to hear it with no doubts. I needed to hear it loud and clear. Then it
was there “I love you” and it hung in the air and I grabbed it, and unwrapped
this most precious of gifts, with my heart and sucked it in – totally
breathless – and my world exploded in tears and ecstasy. A weight lifted and
love came crashing from all directions. We cried. I went numb for awhile
afterwards and then something dawned on me and I rolled over on top of him.

I looked deep in his eyes
and said “I need you to say it again. I need to hear you say it while looking
me in the eyes.” He smiled so sweetly – understanding. He never looked away and
then those 3 magical words – the gift I had been waiting for since meeting him
over seven years ago were spoken – from his heart – “I love you.” Never had
words spun my heart and mind and soul out of control. Words I had spoken and
prayed to hear. I smiled as I repeated the same back to him.

He then said “Now you are
mine. Now you have to love me forever.”

“That is where you are
incorrect,” I laughed at him a little because we were in such new territory. “I
give my love to you as a gift. It is something I give willingly and
unconditionally – never because I have to.” He smiled and nodded.

A little while later I
looked at him and said I want you to say it to me first thing in the morning
too. I got up to turn of the DVD player and the TV (we had thought we would
watch a movie but never did). He looked at the time on the DVD player and said
“I love you.” My gaze swung to his and he said, “It is now morning!” I laughed.
We held each other and went to sleep. I know I was smiling – I had received the
one and only gift that I really wanted.

Country Club Plaza – Kansas City, Missouri

I know I have been neglectful of you.
I know most of you understand that sometimes a break is essential.
Everything in my love life rocks.
But would someone remove my ex from the face of this planet?
Meeting with a new lawyer tomorrow to get huge chunks of my divorce decree MODIFIED and his ass KICKED OUT of my lake house.
I have an interested buyer if I can make it happen fast.
I am motivated.
Need to get my taxes done.
Jeez….

Be back with Christmas details this week. They are so awesome!

Merry Christmas to me!

HE SAID IT!!!

And not just once!

This is hysterical – I stole it from my friends site. You know who you are! This made me crack up!!!!
The Mom Song

For those of you that want to know, are curious about what happened when J finally came home… we talked but not as much as I thought we would. I almost was to wore out from the whole thing to not really care. No one is perfect but this, to me, is a major flaw. If you can not make it home – due to your job or some other reason – you call. PERIOD. This having been said I walked away and left him alone.

Late Friday afternoon, after he was finally up and around after salting roads most of the night, I sat down next to him on the couch. We cuddled for awhile and watched some tv. Finally he said “You need to go fix your hair and put some make up on so we can get some dinner.” I took that as a hint that I looked like crap. Earlier I had taken a shower and let my hair air dry – it is fairly curly and dries weird. All I could think is “If we are just going to go to dinner why does he care?” I almost put on mascara only and then though perhaps it would be fun to do it all and get some extra attention. Not off him, but other men where ever we go. That decided I straightened my hair and put on “the works” for make up. Normally I do not wear foundation but did tonight.

I was soooo glad I did.

Ont he way to dinner he told me we would have to hurry – go someplace not to busy. This irritated me and when I asked why he said “Did you forget that my daughter has a basketball game tonight.”

My response was “Well yeah kinda since you never have taken me to one (this was the second one btw – no biggie).”

“I wanted to surprise you.” he had. I knew his whole family would be there along with the ex wife. It turned out to be a lot of fun! His ex is always nice to me but seemed surprised to see me there as she never takes her BF anywhere where J might be. Weirdness. Not my problem.

After the game, which they lost (ahhhh), we drove a different way home. When it became apparent to me we were not going home I asked what out destination might be. He told me were were on our way to get gas. Oh ok. We ended up on Metcalf over near Hooters and he asked if I wanted to go in. “Ummm no.” So he drove around behind Hooters and asked if I wanted to go to the Comedy club. “Really? Two surprises in one night?” I was so glad I looked nice. “Yep – our name is on the list.”

He had gone in there before coming home and put us on the list to see Victoria Jackson (Saturday Night Live). We had a great time! She sucked but the opening act was good and we got passes to see another show. We really needed that time out together. The rest of the night was great spent in each others arms.

Do his surprises make up for his lack of communication? Yes. Will I get pissed if he does it again? Yes. Does he mean to hurt me? No. But it does. However, it will not keep me from loving him.

In other news we are waiting for more ice here in KC. The lake (where my family is) already is losing power everywhere and I hope we don’t up here. Ice is good for the tree business though so J is praying for enough to cause damage to trees. He can make anywhere from $50k on up per week in clean up. I will be answering calls for him if this hits and keeping a list of who needs what. The phone is already ringing more than usual today. He is still home though – I do not have to answer until he leaves or hopefully until tonight.

I think I will go get me a piece of ass before he leaves…

Ice storm at the lake this past January:

Texting to the man I love who did not come home last night… or so I thought…

C to J 2:16 am:  Where are you? This really sucks. You know I hate this complete lack of communication. I had hoped you where past this. It hurts. Hope it was worth it…

J to C 8:01 am: Call me when you can!!! Miss you.

C to J 8:36 am: So you are alive… Good. I am not happy. At. All. I am sick of your behavior. I am sick of feeling so unimportant I do not even rank high enough for a phone call. I am so tired of trying so hard and then feeling stupid and let down.

What is so hard about communication with you? Why do you shut me out?

I know when you have a lot of stress you disappear but it is no longer acceptable to me. I have been patient far beyond my ability and I am cracking. Not knowing where you are hurts. Especially this time of year. FUCK that! It hurts every time. Be thankful for what we have and don’t throw us away.

You asked me to have faith In you… I have something more – I have faith in us. Do you? Quit making me cry. Just love me and treat me like you want to be treated.

BTW I think you would have liked the soup I made for you.

J to C 8:38 am: Call me when you can!!! Miss you. (He did not even bother to read my email based on the amount of time it took for him to respond! I was hot under the collar before but now I was pissed off.)

C to J 8:39 am: No.

Then Maddi came in and gave me here darling morning greeting of  “I’m hungry – can I have some cereal now?” Time to get up! So I got her breakfast and then started to make myself coffee. I just stared at the coffee pot for a second. It was on the counter. Actually it is a carafe coffee pot made by Cuisinart – you guys now the one – it grinds the beans for ya… ok. Anyhow, my jaw drops open. My son does not drink coffee and only 1 person I know in the world will drink day old coffee in stead of making it fresh.

Yep. My man. “Fuck.” I looked in the cabinet for one of the 2 coffee mugs he uses that hold about a gallon of coffee each. One was gone. There were also 2 cereal bowls in the sink. My son’s and… Again I mumbled “fuck”.
I proceeded with coffee making. Dump out grinds and rinse filter. Put back in. Put in beans. Rinse out pot and fill – dump in coffee maker. Turn on. And the coffee started grinding and I noticed that I had forgot to put one important piece back in the coffee pot. What do I do? I open the filter area thinking since the grinder is still grinding it has not dumped into the filter yet. WRONG! Ground coffee went everywhere. “Fuck!” I yanked the cord out of the wall to stop it.

I cleaned it all up – all 300 pieces of the fucking (do you see a theme with this word) coffee maker and then started over. When I poured my first cup there were grounds in the cup. I sighed, stomped my foot and decided crunchy or not – I need the caffeine. I am still drinking it.

I then sat down at my desk and looked at my calendar to note the date. I was surfing the food networks web site for a couple recipes I saw last night on Emeril Live and Rachael Ray’s “30 Minute Meals”. On my calendar, on todays date was the word “MOODY”. Ok. I blew a gasket at the moment.

So I was wrong. He was here. Got here at some point during the night. He thinks that makes everything ok. It does make it better, but still don’t I have a right to be pissed that he had not called all evening to tell me he was going out to do…??? Who knows what? I wouldn’t even care so long as he just let me know. But he just does what he wants. The good far outweighs this one major flaw he has. Loving him does not stop.

So I sent this email with a subject of “Moody huh?”:
“J, Let me make a suggestion. When you come home at all
hours, like you can do whatever the fuck you want, at least let me know
you are here. I would rather curl up with you than be as pissed off as
I am right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will await the story of
where you were upon your return.

That said… thank you for at least coming home.”

My mobile phone immediately rang. I sent him to voice mail. He left a message I still have not listened too. Then the house phone rang and rang and rang. I ignored it (why don’t house phones have that ignore button feature?).

I need him to talk to me in person. Phone is to easy. Obviously we both were in the wrong but of course I was righter than him so ninny ninny boo boo.

NO ONE NEEDS TO JUDGE HIM ON THIS – I ALREADY HAVE. NO ONE NEEDS TO TELL ME ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT HIM. OK… Ann can but thats it!!!