What are your opinions/thoughts on fake boobs? Do you (or your S.O.) have them? Have you considered getting them? Tell me more!

Be sure to check out this most awesome of photography books that is for sale! It is beautiful and would look good on anyone’s coffee table. Support your fellow Xangans!!

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Advice for the day: NEVER eat Kashi cereal before going to bed as a late night snack! Although it is very healthful it also causes huge amounts of gas that you may not want to share with your bed partner. Or even if you are alone. I think I blew J out of bed once and I almost hit the ceiling when I was laying on my back. Never had this happen when I have it for breakfast – go figure. Trust me on this – it’s dangerous! And it is still bothering my digestive tract. As well as my other senses… Its a one cheek lifted in my chair kinda morning peeps. PU.

For some reason the first movie that popped into my head was “Pretty Woman”. Most everyone has seen this at least one time, but I never fail to watch it if I am channel surfing and come across it. I have easily seen it over 20 times and still love it. Why? I think because I love the whole Cinderella concept (being a hopeless romantic myself) and love the idea of the not-so-helpless-yet down-trodden-girl being swept off her feet by the handsome billionaire and not giving a rats ass about his money, but that he truely wants her for who she is. Really sees her! Even though she has a less than perfect past. What woman… correction… what person does not want to find love like that?

I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

See
how many you can get!!
Here’s a little quiz to see how much you remember about some
less-than-important things from a few decades back. It’s just for fun . Even the wrong answers
may bring back a memory or two..

Have
Fun (but no peeking!). Then, forward it to friends with your score in the box.
1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil
2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay
3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…
A. It’s you
B. He is us
C. It’s the Grinch
D. He wasn’t home
E. He’s really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered
4. Good night, David.
A. Good night, Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good Night, Irene
D. Good Night, Gracie
E. See you later, alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night, Steve
5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went,
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend,
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo
7. Liar, liar…
A. You’re a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I’m telling Mom
8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice and…
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines
9 . Hey, kids, what time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s time to do your homework
C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
D. It’s Time for Romper Room
E. It’s bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scooby Doo Time
10. Lions and tigers and bears…
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I’m scared
E. Oh My
F. Help Help
H. Let’s run
11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don’t know
F. Who says, ‘Trust me’
G. Who eats tofu
12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s
stockings.
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway
13. Brylcream…
A. Smear it on
B. You’ll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Greaseball heaven
E. It’s a dream
F. We’re your team
G. A little dab’ll do ya
14. I found my thrill…
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill
15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno
16. Name the Beatles
A. John, Steve, George , Ringo
B. John, Paul, George , Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George , Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George , Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George , Ringo
17. I wonder, wonder, wonder, who
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?
18. I’m strong to the finish
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I’m the hero
E. And don’t you forget it
f. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
g. To outlast Bruto
19. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today…
a. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
b. Smile, you’re on Star Search
c. Smile, you won the lottery
d. Smile, we’re watching you
e. Smile, the world sees you
f. Smile, you’re a hit
g. Smile, you’re on TV
20. What do M & M’s do?
a. Make your tummy happy
b. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
c. Make you fat
d. Melt your heart
e. Make you popular
f. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
g. Come in colors

Okay, now scroll down for the answers!
Okay, that’s it. Here are the right answers.
1 d – Wonder Bread
2 g – Cassius Clay
3 b – He Is Us
4 a – Good night, Chet
5 g – When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6 d – Maynard G. Krebbs
7 c – Pants On Fire
8 f – The American Way
9 c – It’s Howdy Doody Time
10 e – Oh My
11 d – Over 30
12 c – Joe Namath
13 g – A little dab’ll do ya
14 g – On Blueberry Hill
15 b – Mary Martin
16 g – John, Paul, George , Ringo
17 d – Who wrote the book of Love
18 b – Cause I eats me spinach
19 a – Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
20 f – Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand

Don’t forget to
put your score as a comment!

 

 
 

First off know that I love my babies – all 4 of them with all of my heart….

…But (and you knew there was a “but” coming) I really need a break. It is Wednesday and I am so ready for it to be Friday. TGIF for me means, twice a month, I have no kids for one evening and almost two whole days! For those of you that know – divorce really sucks but… one of the really awesome perks is “Dads Weekend”. I start hearing about it from the kids around Wednesday night before they are do to go: “Does Dad know we are coming this weekend?” or “What time am I going to Dads on Friday?” or after I scream for the 27th time to “GET THE (insert favorite cuss word here) DISHES WASHED!” they are just as ready as me to get on down the road.

If I had my way it would be at the crack of dawn every other Friday.

I only have two kids (out of 4) still at home but they are at ages that make you want to sell them on eBAY or Craigs List as slaves to, well…. anyone that would pay to come and pick them up. Although I give out no warranties that they will actually do work or even what they are told. Ages are… Son 13 and Daughter 4. I often write about my four year old (see last post) and the situations she gets herself into. My son is at an age where he is confused. He wants independence but he wants his mommy too. He now struggles not to cry when he gets hurt playing basketball instead of breaking down in frustrated tears like he used too – like they all do – and look around for me. Now-a-days besides totally focusing on the game he tries equally as hard not to look at the cheerleaders. Actually the whole team, during half time when the cheerleaders are performing, look every which way but at the cheerleaders. Hysterical. Think they are worried about losing their focus or something popping up (what’s the dif)?

ANYHOW… CJ also feels his sister should have more jobs around the house. In fact they are in the kitchen now doing dishes and I am very afraid. Maddi just yelled “Spray me again CJ!!” And then lots of giggling and him yelling “It looks like I peed my pants!” Whaaaa? Who is holding the sprayer now? I dare not look.

Have you ever asked your teenage son why you never see his gym clothes in the laundry? If you never have – don’t start now! You will regret it! Just occasionally buy new ones and shove them in his back back along with some deodorant. My two older girls were always very clean – they may have had clothes all over their bedrooms but they were washed! Boys do not seem to care one way or another.

Asking a teenager to do something for you is almost never worth the effort or energy it takes out of you. A simple request to take out the garbage is usually met with the overly dramatic sigh with a little eye roll added for effect or a whiney “Can I do it on a commercial?” A commercial that one of you knows will never come and the other prays you forget about. I stand there tapping my foot, and hoping my blood pressure chills, waiting for him to get a clue. Generally he does, but if he is to slow – (Smack!). But ask the four year old to do any household chore and she is all over it! She loves to vacuum, help with the dishes, mop, sweep, throw something away, and would even clean the toilets if I let her (why don’t I let her?). She even tries to help fold the laundry – is in fact in love with separating the laundry and putting it in the washer too. Ask her to clean her room though and she turns into something straight out of hell. Her face turns red, her hair sticks out (ok that could be static) and her right foot stomps in total indignation. If she could tell you to fuck off she would. Actually in her own way she does (Smack!).

What is wrong with children? Are they, as Bill Cosby noted back in the 80′s, all “Brain damaged?” I can hear a resonding “Yes!” And as parents we have to impart right and wrong, and teach them how to be functioning humans, and punish them (beat their asses) if they so much as look at us in the wrong tone of voice. I remember being smacked for breathing when being yelled at by my father. Now I know why. What I considered breathing he heard, and saw, as the “the overly dramatic sigh with a little eye roll added for effect.” Did I deserve the belt. Probably not for the crime, but definitely for the additude. And no I do not use a belt on my kids.

There is good news though! All this hard work does pay off and I have a prime example first hand. My oldest daughter, Ashley, is a sophmore in college. She was always the messiest child I had. Like I mentioned earlier she was always clean, her laundry was mostly washed (but never put away). Walking into her room was like walking into an Abercrombie and Fitch store that had been hit by tornados mixed with about 20 super sized McDonalds cups, the entire makeup department from Wal-Mart, 30 – 40 pairs of flip flops – occassionally a matching pair was seen, volleyballs and gear everywhere, a computer was buried under various items and dust was constantly being sucked into the air by the whirlwind that is Ashley darting about the room. I taught her better. But alas she chose to be a pig. But the pig did have a 3.7 GPA and worked her ass off at everything she did.

I even removed her bedroom door a couple times as punishment for her pigsty lifestyle. She was outraged at the loss of privacy – but as I told her it is a priveledge she needed to earn.

I visited her and her boyfriends home – yes they own a home – and I expected the mess that was usually contained to her bedroom to have now infiltrated an entire household. The place was spotless. I even checked closets. I looked at her stunned and she told me “I never thought that keeping a house clean would be a priority for me, but your constant nagging for me to clean my room, do the dishes, wipe down the counters, do my laundry, clean the bathroom, etc. actually sank in. I can not even stand for a dish to be left in the sink. I also used to tell myself I would never make my kids do all the stuff you made us do. Now I get it. Thanks Mom.” I felt the blood draining out of my head at the words “Thanks Mom” and fainted and hit the floor with a thud before losing complete consiousness.

Intravenous margaritas revived me almost immediately… That and the realization that their is hope!!!
 

Knock Knock Knock!!!

Me:“What do you need honey?” As I get ready for my shower.
Maddi: “Ashley is on your Cell Phone”
Me: “Tell her I’ll call her back and quit playing with my cell phone – just let it ring.”
Maddi: “Ok Mommy”
Me to self: “Should I be worried – she probably is not going to listen to this advice.”

And she didn’t! Here is how the story played out…

First I called Ashley who was laughing hysterically when she answered the phone. Hmmm.

Apparently Maddi, my 4 year old, got a hold of my cell phone while I was in the shower. She called Ashley (my oldest daughter who is in college) and told her that I “left her home alone and went to work (I work from home) but it was ok cause Mommy bought me a new cell phone.” RIGHHHHTTT. She was trying to make it look like she was calling from her phone. LMAO. Ash was CRACKING UP! Naturally when she called Ash, which was in itself a complete stroke of luck, “Mom” pops up on her phone. So she was pretty much on to the bullshit her baby sister was spewing forth. She also informed Ash that she was taking pictures and that I was in bed with Jeremiah. OMG!

As soon as I was off the phone I yelled for Maddi.

Me: “Did you play with Mommy’s phone?”
Maddi looking at floor: “Yesss…”
Me: “Did you call anyone?”
Maddi: “uh huh.”
Me: “Who did you call”
Maddi: “Ashley.”
Me: “And why did you tell me that Ashley called you?”
Maddi: “I dunno.”
Me: “Why did you tell Ashley you were home alone?”
Maddi: “I Dunno” Starts shuffling feet. Uh Oh.
Me: “Why did you tell Ashley you were home alone and that Mommy left you?”
Maddi: “I dunno.” Looks up at me through her bangs to judge how angry I am.
Me: “Did you call anyone else?”
Maddi: “I called Daddy but thats it.” Shit shit shit – probably with the same story too.
Me: “Don’t go far kid – you are in a ton of trouble. Did you use the camera too?”
Maddi: “Uh huh.”
Me: “Did you take any pictures?” I was looking through my phone for them as I asked this question.
Maddi: “Yes… Are you laughing mommy or are you really mad?” It was sooo hard to be angry, as I flipped through the pics she took, but I kept my face straight even though the laughter was bubbling out in a very creepy kind of way that was scaring the kiddo. Good.
Me: “I am very upset you played with my phone and took pictures – you know that is a no no. Guess what your punishment is going to be?”
Maddi: “A spanking on the butt?”
Me: “Assume the position!” Yes I spank my kids when they are bad. Deal with it.

She took LOTs of pictures. LOTS and LOTS. I was really cracking up at some of them and will post them here, of course. As I was looking at them my cell phone rings and it is my cousin, Karen.

Karen: “Are you ok?” Crap the kid is gonna die.
Me: “Yes… why…?”
Karen: “Maddi called me and said you left her home alone but that it was ok because she has a cell phone and is 5 (?) which makes her a grown up.” WTF!!!!
Me: “I was taking a quick shower which I guess I can not do with out my cell phone being locked from now on.”
Karen: “She told me you went across the street and left her. (Oh brother.) I called your brother to get your home number to see if you would answer that.” GREAT.
Me: “Everything is fine – she was only messing around and is going to die now.”
Karen: “She was very entertaining but I was worried something happened to you.” For those of you that do not know I have epilepsy so my family worries over any weirdness at my house. This was weird.

After doing some checking on my phone I discovered she had not called her father. Thank God! He believes everything she tells him. A 4 year old never lies ya know… Gimme a break.

Lesson Learned. Kids, no matter how old, are out to get you. Be sure to keep their connection to the outside world at a minimum when you shower with out them. Better yet – tie them to a chair and plop them in front of a TV.

I know I promised this for last Friday – but we went out of town. Here it is though:

So it is the day after Valentines Day. It did not turn out entirely like I had hoped, but it was mostly awesome. Until… I had a breakdown. A moment of complete selfishness that was actually long over due. I had a fucking bitch fit. So here is how it all played out…

First I sent him this email in the morning:
To answer your question last night here is what I want for Valentines Day:
A poem by you
A long sensuous kiss that leaves us both breathless
Lingering gentle caresses

His Response:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Did you know
That j loves you too!

And…
Ill write you a poem when at the lake, I like that heart made me smile! I want that kiss also!! (I emailed him the heart that was on yesterdays post)

Yesterday afternoon I decided I would right a Valentines Day poem for J and put it on a home made card. It all turned out awesome and I felt so very romantic. Here is the poem:

I had the end of the evening all planned out and now I had a killer card. He got home around 5:00 and then I had to run my son to basketball practice, and then for J I had to go to the bank, post office and then the grocery store for our dinner. I bought two huge rib eyes from the butcher section and two twice baked potatoes. I was going to make them but these were HUGE and only $1.50 each – can’t buy the stuff for that. Time saver too. When I got home I made Maddi’s dinner and got her in bed by eight.

Backing up a bit… When I walked through the door a little bit of anticipation had me excited. Did he have anything for me for Valentines Day? I was hoping so after all the errands he had me running. I took my shoes off and peeked into the kitchen, nothing there. Walked over to the closet to hang up my coat and peeked in our office and my breath caught. On my desk was a huge bouquet of roses and a cute box next to it. I felt a huge excitement explode out of me in a small shriek of delight. I walked over to them and breathed in the heady scent of red roses, of love. I opened the box and inside was a coffee cup with hearts all over it and 4 chocolate cookies. I am using that coffee cup right now. He said “Next time I will put more effort into it but my thought was you could think of me every time you use this coffee cup.” Ahhhh…. I crawled on to the couch and onto him and gave him a long, deep kiss and rubbed all along his body with mine. His eyes were shining!!

J threw the potatoes in the oven and got the grill going while I was tending to Maddi. He cooked everything to perfection and we ate in front of the fireplace. Drinking wine and enjoying each other. When it got a little later I got up and told him I would be right back. I ran upstairs and prepared the surprise I had for him – I was already wearing the red bra and thong panties bought to entice him. Also I had bought some silk rose petals in red and pink that I threw all over the bed. Card was placed on his pillow. 3 Candles were lit and the ambiance was set. I was sooo excited!

I returned to him and we wrestled around for awhile playfully kissing and tossing each other around. Gives him the chance to be aggressive and me the chance to submit. Very fun game and for us the most awesome of foreplay before foreplay – lol. When I finally pinned him down which requires me to be on top straddling him, with my legs pinning his arms down, I told him I had a few surprises for him. He looked like a kid in the candy store and said “Does it have anything to do with the red panties you are wearing?” Apparently they had peeked above my jeans and since I rarely wear panties he was all excited to see what exactly I had hiding. I was flipped over and my jeans were unceremoniously ripped from my body. Naturally I struggled, albeit not very hard… hee hee. He stared and then tried to lift my shirt to see what else I had. I fought him off and he pinned me down and tickled me for an excrutiating amount of time. I was squeeling like a stuck pig laughing hysterically. And then.. to my horror.. it happened..

Those of you that have had babies (and even some that haven’t), and I have had 4, know what happens when you sneeze, cough, or in this case get tickled. You pee your pants every once in awhile. Yes girls I do my keigals and though it helps with sexual pleasure it has not prevented these small disasters. When I froze he knew exactly what had happened and thought it was funny. Me… not so much, but in the spirit of the moment I gave him that one.

I suggested we go upstairs so I could share the rest of my surprises (and clean myself up a bit). He followed me up and saw what I had done and LOVED it. HE grabbed me, now naked, and spun me around and fell on top of me on the bed – rose petals rising and falling all around us. He pushed up and looked down at me lying on the rose petals and sighed, told me how awesome it all was and thanked me as his hands ran up and down my body. I could feel myself warming quickly with each lingering caress. Mmmmm… my fantacy of making love on rose petals was about to come true. He stopped and said he needed to go get something.

After about 1/2 hour of waiting on my bed of petals I got frustrated and wondered if I had made a mistake and he did not like my surprise after all. Putting on one of his t-shirts I went downstairs to see what was up. There he was laying down by the fireplace. My blood pressure shot up when I saw that he was typing something on his phone!! I asked him what he was doing and he just kept typing. Told me he was sending me an email. WHAT!! NOW!!? I kinda started to freak out. I told him I was waiting for him upstairs and what the hell was he thinking laying down here typing. He looked at me calmly and said “i am in a moment and lost track of time.” I told him he was a dumb ass and went back upstairs. Hit the wall (with an open hand) and slammed the bedroom door. BAMMMM!!!

At this point I was really mad at myself. I kicked the comforter off the bed and rose petals flew everywhere floating to all corners of my room. It was really pretty, but I was to pissed to give a shit. Blew out the candles too – like this childish act would make him feel bad. I knew none of what I did would – in fact I figured it would confuse him.  I started to lay down and then flew back down the stairs. Not sure what I said at that point but I do know I almost dumped a cup of water on him. Restrained myself from that – I knew I was overreacting but was still not sure what the problem was. I told him I felt stupid – like I had done something he did not appreciate. He looked at me like I was insane, which of course made me feel like an even bigger idiot.

That is when he told me he was writing me poems. That seeing me on the rose petals had inspired him. I started to calm down and told him that I did not want emails I wanted him with me telling me what he was feeling. Poems are nice, but now? I deflated. No tears though I just felt really strange. I let him finish what he was doing and then he pulled me to my feet and wanted to go upstairs. Crap. I walked up the stairs very slowly. When we entered the bedroom he could see the rose petals all over the floor. His face fell and he asked why I had done that. I shrugged and told him it no longer meant the same thing to me as it did when he first saw it. Finally it started to dawn on him that he had hurt my feelings, funny thing is he was justified in his behavior and I was not in mine.

He asked me to go read the emails. I did not want to. At that moment all I wanted was to feel his arms around me and experience what only the two of us together can create. And so we did and love won out… after midnight.

The next morning I read his poems:

As I sit in front of the fire
There is only one thing
That I desire
It is in you,
That I truely do
Want and wish for
Before I retire!

This is the one sent after my temper tantrum:

Valentines
The dumb ass is you
For feeling so blue
For if you knew
That the moment was true
Then surely you knew that
I would subdue!
But as it were
I was unsure
As how to act
to a dumb ass tact
You thought was due!
But as it were
The moment is true. Um
And feelings as such
Were over due
And passion is ours
So as to do
What we love so much
And is ours to do!

And this one… Sigh…

Petals
Roses’ all around you
Petals I mean
The kind you rarely see
Some were red and some were pink
None of them were under the sheets
For on the top is what she seeks
But on her face was what was to peak
The feelings today were ready to say
Long before she made the sheets

So love wins again.

J said happy valentines day first thing this morning and asked me last night what I want. I have no idea. Should I ask for huge ass diamonds or poetry? Ann says Swarovsky or Coach. Not a bad idea. However, since I know he has little fundage at the moment I am thinking the poetry would be nice. He is actually really good at it. Not as good as me, but hey I am biased.

I got him a card and… some other stuff he is sure to enjoy this evening. He has to wait. I should have something fun to write about tomorrow…

Enjoy your Valentines Day. If you do not have a special someone be sure to do something nice for yourself!

EDIT: Here is a link to make your own home made CD Case

He forgot or at least never said anything but he was here and we had a very nice evening together. I never said anything either BTW – I kinda felt like there was a reason he was avoiding it or if he forgot (more likely) that I did not want to make him feel bad. I felt strangely numb about it but he was with me and that’s what I wanted most of all. About 10pm we were both hungry so he ran out and got us a steak dinner – that was really cool! And Yummy! After that I gave him the present I made for him which was 2 cd’s with music we both enjoy. We can pop that into the cd player for our drive when we go out of town Friday. I made the case from a link HappyDeviant sent me (Thanks Lex!) and it turned out really cute! I printed a pink striped background with a square in the middle. In the square I typed all the names of the songs. It looked like a specially made package – which it was!

I also gave him a copy of a video I made last fall that he has never seen. Not sure when we will watch that – maybe this weekend. A romantic moment would be great for it.

We spent a lot of time kissing and hugging and then I rubbed him down from head to toe as his back was really hurting. He fell asleep with me stretched out naked on his back. I was content but will admit felt a pang or two of disappointment. But he was there.

I have another surprise for him for Valentines day! Will tell you about that Friday!