EDIT:
I had a slurpee at lunch time and boy was it a loud and satisfying slurpee. Actually I think the slurpee was a little more satisified than I was!!

I was informed by the slurpee that I will def be getting that back rub tonight. He also told me it was going to be hard to climb trees with shaking thighs. I almost said "It's not my fault" but put the brakes on that comment and out came "And it's all my fault!" with a big grin on my face. He grinned, kissed me tenderly and hugged me and off to work he went. See what happens when you come home for lunch! Sluurrrrppppp!!!

My baby has officially left toddler hood behind. She is now four or as she says, holding up four of her digits "I'm this many now and I'm BIG!" Now for some honesty. Even though I love that my kids are healthy - all four of them - there is one thing I dread almost more than the gynecologist and it also happens once a year. Birthday parties. Especially birthday parties for the very young. I know... bad mom. Perhaps this year I will try harder to get into the spirit of the day because I have 2 more in October but, after all, I am the one that went through hell four times bringing them into the world. Where the hell are my presents?

Instead, as my youngest reminded me, birthdays are selfish days where you get to act like the biggest spoiled brat on the face of the earth. You ever wonder why god makes our babies cute? Who would want them if they were ugly? Who would look down at an ugly baby and want to change that poopie diaper or pick her up when she was screaming? Ummm... no one? Rigghhhtt... Anyhow...

Starting Friday evening when I arrived at the lake to pick up Maddi from her dad and ending when I put her to bed last night, the weekend was all about Maddi. Every sentence was ended with "but it's my birthday..." By the end of the actual party on Saturday afternoon, at a place called Minor Mikes, I was ready to call the day quits and redivorce my ex just for the pleasure of putting him through hell again and also for getting me pregnant to begin with. That was 1:30. Felt like it should be MUCH later. Oh and Minor Mikes is like Chucky Cheese or Dave and Busters. I can hear all of you parents saying "Ahhh I get it now..."

Between Maddi's constant birthday demands for more tokens and insisting that all tickets that spewed out of the game machines be immediately turned over to her possesion i was ready to hang her by her toes from the mini ferris wheel. Add to that the fact that her father, my ex, was there with his new wife and he was yelling at Maddi at the top of his lungs when she acted like a brat, I was ready to drown in a bottle of seagrams and just forget about it. Public humiliation is a big no no in my book. And people wonder why Maddi has such a temper... Several times I whisked her away from him to quietly whisper in her ear that her behavior was uncalled for, rude, apologies required, threatening time outs and a spanking once (no she did not get a spanking at her birthday party). Mostly though I was just trying to calm her down after her father publicly humilated her. She calmed down - she had fun - she ignored her dad and then he left. THANK GOD!!

J really helped keep me mello. His girls were there and whenever I could get the 3 little girls together everything was fine and fun. The cake went well. Demands for presents did not. Maddi opened all her presents the night before. Minor Mikes was just another present she was receiving. Plus I reminded her she had several bags full of tickets and would be able to pick out any POS (i did not say that) toy offered before we left. My mom was still in the game room determined to spend every sent she had so Maddi could have all the tickets her heart desired. Actually my mom is addicted to skee ball and the basketball machines. She did really well too. Maddi ended up with over 700 tickets. She bought a stuffed rat (Just go with it like I did), a little squirmy slimy feeling thing with tentacles, some candy, some hillbilly teeth for her brother, and two candy necklaces for J's girls. She shared, good girl. For a little while anyhow...

For the rest of the weekend Maddi reminded us that it was her birthday. She did not want to share any of her new toys except under her conditions. I could tell J's girls had really had it at one point when they were begging Maddi to jump in the lake - without her life jacket. Hmmm... J almost spanked her once and I would not have stopped him. We all finally had peace and quiet Sunday afternoon when Maddi fell asleep in her car seat. She was so cute sleeping. I guess not everything about the weekend was horrible - in fact most of the time she really was good.

A little side note. Maddi has been trying for awhile now to get J to say he loves her. Most of my readers know he has never even said that to me - after almost 20 months of being together. I know he does, but... he has a issue with saying them. Anyhow Maddi asked him, out of the blue yesterday morning, "Do you love me J?" And he immediately responded "Yes I do." I about fell out of my chair. Progress.

     

And the innocent would be me of course. So here is what happened...

I take one day (referred to simply as "that day") a month and dedicate it to paying bills, doing paperwork, filing, etc. It keeps me somewhat organized as well as sane knowing everything was done at least once that month. Today is "that day". If a bill comes in tomorrow and is due next week - to bad. Whoever is harassing me with after-that-day bills has to wait until the next dedicated "that day". I do not schedule them either and god forbid it fall within the same week as my other monthly issue - I tend to get really nasty when that occurs.

Anyhow, I always know when I am pushing the limit on paying my bills because strange toll free numbers start appearing on my caller ID. All of which are ignored. Get in line Debtors - you will get your money eventually in the meantime thank god for the "Ignore Caller" feature on my Blackberry - off to voice mail you go!!! Naturally I have no intention of returning any of those messages. Does anyone?

So I opened all my bills this morning saving the AT&T Mobile for last. Glad I did. My jaw hit my desk when I saw the amount due $538.52. My blood pressure spiked. This particular bill is for 2 of my kids. I just knew I was going to be chewing my 16 year old daughter a new ... well you know. I went through her portion of the bill, all 35 pages of it, and noticed not one single extra charge. She was born with fingers made to text non stop all day and all night (an issue for another day) but never went beyond the plan limits. Total of her portion of the bill $60.13.

The last 3 pages were from my 13 year old sons phone. Ahem. Total of his bill $478.39. "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!" - rang through the house, down the street and around the block. I heard the echo. Followed by "I AM GOING TO FLOG THAT LITTLE FUCKER!!!" Followed by "Hmmm.... maybe the phone company made a mistake..." So I looked at his 3 pages of info and noticed three lines stating Data Transfer. 1st Charge $174.40. 2nd Charge $6.30. 3rd Charge $192.93 and then four charges for .01 each (plus the regular monthly fee of $89.99 + the mystery fees we all pay). He had found the Internet on his phone and I had no plan for the Internet on his phone. BUT unless you have a block on your phones your little phone deviants can and will get online. The cursing rang out again.

I called AT&T and asked them in the future to include vaseline when they send bills for this much because I feel like I have been attacked from the rear.

Tomorrow is a very important day for some serious fun. I know members of the Lexicon and beyond will be all over this! You have to blog and comment use Pirate Talk. Why? Because it is national "Talk Like a Pirate Day!" So how fun is that! All you fellow weirdos should get a kick out of this. Be creative! Come up with your own lingo if ya want or use the phrases and words found on this site:

A Moment in Time from Lexabitionist on Vimeo.